How to be of help when a friend loses a child
Why doesn’t the world stop? How does it just keep on going as if the horror of horrors had not occurred?
If someone you care about has lost a child, and you want to make them feel better, it’s simple: just stop the world and roll back time. If you have not the power to do so, yet you sincerely wish to help, start by sincerely trying to understand what he or she is feeling.
There is nothing like the loss of a child. To the grieving parent, it is quite literally the end of the world — their world. That which means more than life itself has been torn from their breast leaving a hole that threatens to consume their very soul. They are helpless to stop the endless collage of memories that flash through their mind, that lead invariably into the void, into the stark realization that all of their tomorrows will be without that child.
I can’t speak for everyone, but I can speak with authority, especially for those of us whose loss was sudden. Two winters ago, my wife and I lost our son. We were with him one night and woke the next morning to find his lifeless body on the floor in his bedroom. I’ll spare you most of the details, but I will share this: once I stopped pounding on his chest and futilely blowing air into his fluid filled lungs, all the while knowing that it was already too late, I continued to shout his name and cry out loud until finally my voice cracked and failed. I was not acting rationally, but then what is rational in the face of the incomprehensible? My being simply could not conceive of the reality I was experiencing: I had lost my son of a mere 21-years. I had thought that he would be my best friend for life.
Tears still stream down my face as I recall the horror of that morning. I will forever be grateful that my son hugged me on that fateful night, and that I responded by telling him that I loved him. I will also NEVER get over the loss! If there’s one thing you take away in reading this, please let it be an understanding of this reality. Your friend will never get over her loss. She will learn to deal with it, and for outside appearances she will generally seem “normal” once again, but the black hole in the center of her heart will remain forever.
On this particular point, I share with you not only my own feelings, or those of my wife, but the feelings of the many people whom I’ve come to know who too have had their hearts shattered by the loss of their child. “We need not walk alone,” begins the credo of the Compassionate Friends, a self-help organization dedicated to assisting families in dealing with this tragedy. To a person, all who enter the circle of Friends know that they will never be “normal” again. They are forever changed, and it is a “new normal” that they seek.
The good news is that you can help your friend find that new normal. First, take heed of what I’ve shared thus far, and when you have that fully absorbed, understand too that regardless of the circumstance, your friend will likely be suffering from guilt. “If only I had made sure they had a safer car; if only we had tried another doctor; if only I had listened better” — there seems to be no limit to the inventive ways that bereaved parents can find to deepen their grief and blame themselves.
Once you feel that you can appreciate the realities of what your friend is feeling, you’re ready to help. You help first by understanding, as best you can, and then simply by being there — by listening and offering a shoulder, by checking in periodically but not taking offense if they want to be alone, by gently urging them forward but fully allowing them to do so in their own time.
As you walk this uncharted course with your friend, you will likely spend a good deal of time feeling quite powerless. You may even fear for your friend’s ability to survive the tragedy and question your ability to be of any real assistance. Your desire will be to help but you’ll not know how. This is where you must understand that there is no getting it right. There is no magic wand. Your friend will see better days, and you really can help, but their recovery will take time. It will come in little steps: their first smile, their first laugh, and eventually their first day without tears. Your love will see them through these troubled times.
In my own experience, I cannot thank those enough who came, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do, but who came anyway. They made food for us while we were incapable of doing so ourselves. They answered the phone and handled the notifications and arrangements when we just wanted to curl up and die. They held our hands and helped dry our tears. They just showed us they cared. They didn’t know what to do, and we didn’t know what we wanted them to do, but their love was demonstrated in that they allowed their worlds to stop because ours had.
Truly, all things offered in the spirit of love and friendship will be appreciated, but please do keep in mind that no matter how well intentioned, some things are better left unsaid. Your friend doesn’t want to hear that he’ll be alright. He’s not seeking your advice. No matter how many people are around, your friend feels alone, and unless you too have lost a child, the last thing he wants to hear is that you know how he feels — you don’t.
Outside these few taboos, just seek to help and you will. Give your friends the space to grieve, to yell and scream and cry, and have no expectations for yourself. Allow them to commit and then change their minds. Take no offense because none is intended. They are dealing with that which nobody should ever have to deal with.
Give of yourself and you will help to mend their broken heart. The hole will never fully heal, but with friendship and love, they will recover. Remember that their ability to move forward will depend upon the bonds they have with others, the bonds you will help to strengthen as you live through this process with them.
Finally, there is one last thing you need to know, and it may be the most important thing of all. There is a fear that’s shared amongst all who have lost a child. It’s not spoken of much outside our circles. I’m guessing that’s because we don’t want to bring others down. But the truth be known, we all fear that our beloved child will be forgotten.
Now you may say that this will never happen, but as the days turn into weeks and weeks into months, when you speak of your children, when you share recent tales of their activities and accomplishments, we will share in your delight, but we will also silently mourn our loss. When family and friends join together to celebrate holidays and other occasions, we will be there smiling and laughing with you, but we will also be ever cognizant of who is missing, of who should be there but isn’t, of the way things should have been. So, if you truly want to be a friend, don’t worry that you may bring about sadness and tears, be a friend indeed and give the most precious gift we have left — the gift of memories. We always want to talk about them, no matter how much it hurts, so if they still live in your heart, please let it be known. They will live in ours forever.
Thank you so much for putting this in oerspective so to speak. My friend has just lost her daughter and she live quite a distance away and I am at a loss of words or what I can do and reading this has helped me understand that there is no cure. Time, love and being present is all I can do.
Thanks
Thank you for reading, and for accepting the most important point; your love and presence are your healing gift. The hole in your friend’s heart will always be there, but your friendship and support will help her to find a new normal. That’s really the best we can hope for.
My heart goes out to your friend.
Dave
Thanks, Dave, artfully and accurately stated. Your Josh and my Josh may eventually be forgotten to future generations but that time is far distant from us. Today, both persist in the lives of the circles of families and friends that provide emotional harbor to us and each other as they recall and recount how our Joshuas gave of themselves while still among us physically. Two years or twenty-three years afterwards the same is true — God gives us the blessing that while we never hurt less, we do hurt less often.
Yes indeed, Russ, our Joshuas do live on in our memories and those of friends and family. I’m sure the imprint of the way they touched those who knew them will outlive our time here on this Earthly plane. I’ll not rush the Reaper, but I will look forward to being reunited on the other side. Until then, as you’ve stated, I’ll take refuge in the blessing of hurting less often.
I would like to say that I am so sorry for your loss and thankfull for your words I lost my daughter in 06 and people just don’t understand and tip toe and still to this day apologize it’s so hard to loose a piece of your future. I still remember the moment that I noticed the world didn’t stop for her passing and how horrible it was you expressed many feelings of parents of children who have lost a child it’s just crazy to me how no other pain comes close and I would never wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy. People don’t understand how hard it is to be in our position I have trouble answering simple questions that are easy for most like how many kids do you have well if I answer three I get the normal questions how old boys girls? and then i have to explain because i cant say shes seven cause shes not here but shes also not 2 1/2 anymore either so then i end up sayin would of been and hope they dont notice for i dont want their pitty people seem to look at you different and want them to get to know me first to see im not broken and i feel like if i just say two its like she wasnt even worth mentioning or that she was forgotten i still remember crying thinking that people were going to forget her but now im so consumed by the fact that her voice and laugh have faded from my memories and thats a hole nother pain in its self. now i find myself attaching myself to families who have lost a child in wanting to help anyway i can and that little black hole in the center of your heart i like to believe that it’s there because they took that piece with them when they departed because they didnt want to go alone what a long hard road a great song that i truley relate to is im crying for me by toby keith i am in no rush myself but i am so hopefull to be able to see her again again i am so sorry for your loss and your words will help many looking for ways to help a friend or family member who have lost a child
I wanted to say thank you so much for the help with this personal loss. My best friend lost her son and it has been 2 days sense I spoke to her on the way to the hospital. I’m not sure what to do next. I have called and sent a few texts in case speaking was too hard for her, but I feel so out of place in this and I’m not sure how pushy I should be with seeing her. I don’t want to bother her and her family even though all I can think about is her and her son whom I was VERY close with also. I am having a hard time accepting this myself and have been crying for days, is it ok to be upset when I see her because I have depression issues and I really can’t control my crying but I am able to say nothing and just hold her. Any help on what I should do next would be greatly appreciated. I am really morning the fact I have lost part of my best friend forever
Thank you so much for listening and my condolences and love go out to all of you who are also suffering the loss of their child. I could not imagine.
Hi Lorrie,
I’m reluctant to respond as if I have a clue how another grieving parent might feel. My experience is that there are as many ways to deal with the loss as people who must suffer through it. So, all I can do is share my thoughts and feelings, and those of my wife. The truth of the matter is that the first period of time is a near total fog — it’s close to an out-of-body experience; there’s little sleep, little eating, lots of silence, and of course tears — buckets of tears, and so many thoughts and questions. Many, many times during that period, my wife and I, and the few friends and family with whom we had contact, would just embrace and hold each other without a word, sobbing. People say that they don’t know what to say, but that’s because there is nothing anyone can say, except “I’m so sorry (this has happened)” and “I love you/him/her.”
Your friend has a huge hole blown through the center of her being, and she’s likely dealing with issues regarding her will to survive this tragedy. More than ever in her life, she needs her support network, and in some ways, it’s more difficult on her friends and family than on her. They all want desperately to help, you want desperately to help, but there’s nothing you can do except to be there. Even if she doesn’t feel she can see you, she needs to know you’re there for her. So, I say, don’t be pushy but be constantly present, and please keep always in mind that even though you’re personally hurting deeply, it’s not about you.
Things will obviously never be the same. Your friend will get better, but she will never again be whole. What’s important at this stage is that those in her life who will help fill the void make themselves available as she becomes increasingly able to reach out. The process will move from silent tears and sleepless nights to fond memories and even quiet giggles, and your friend will remember and appreciate those who were there throughout the process, those who provided a shoulder to cry on, who shared in her tears, and who offered a helping hand with the activities of daily life while she felt so incapable.
I don’t know if any of this is helpful or not, but you asked, so I’m sharing what I have. I can tell you this for certain, it will be 4 years since my wife and I lost our beloved son, Joshua, and your comment this morning sent me to tears. I have a friend who lost his son 23 years ago, and to this day, when he shares the story, he cannot help but cry. It’s what happens; it’s a tragedy that nobody should ever have to face, but people do all the time. So, please, by all means, be there with your friend — share in her tears; share in her silence; respect her need in grieving; don’t ever tell her that “it’ll be alright;” don’t tell her that “you know what’s she’s going through;” let her know that you’ll be there for her “no matter what,” and most importantly as time moves on — don’t ever be afraid to talk about her son; it is a fear of many grieving parents that their child will be forgotten, and even though it often calls forth tears, the memories are all that we have.
I don’t know if you’ve found it yet, but there’s a national group called Compassionate Friends that’s formed of parents who have lost children. They typically have local meetings where parents at different stages come together and share, and the interaction with others who “do” truly understand can be helpful.
Be strong, but not afraid to show your emotions.
All the Best,
Dave
Thank you so much for sharing this with us all. One of my dearest friends lost her 14 year old son very suddenly a few days ago. She was an absolute rock to me when I lost my fiance a couple of years ago and I so want to be the friend to her that she was and has been to me since.
My heart goes out to both you and your friend. She’ll need as much love and patience as you can possibly muster. Just being there for her will help to ease her burden. It’s only with the support of those close to us that we can survive such loss.
Much love,
Dave